Posts Tagged ‘scared

10
Oct
11

bloody mary.

I’m a pretty grounded person.  I don’t harbor a ton of childish or illogical fears (clowns, witches, vampires, monsters, etc). My fears center around life and how it will unfold. I’m scared of becoming old, helpless, lonely and irrelevant. I’m fearful that my loved ones will get sick. I’m nervous I won’t be a good mom. You get the gist.

That being said, I have a completely irrational fear of looking into mirrors in the dark. I know it’s ridiculous. To this day, I still avoid looking at a mirror when the lights are out. I attribute this fear to two events in my childhood. 1) My cousins used to try to “reach” their dead brother by locking themselves (and me) in the bathroom, turning off the lights and calling his name. 2) The kids in my elementary school were obsessed with Bloody Mary. The older kids would turn off the lights in the bathroom when the younger kids were in there and would start chanting “bloody mary” (3x of course). Ummmm….scary? I think so.

This irrational fear has recently resurfaced because there is a movie trailer on tv with two little girls saying “bloody mary” in the mirror, and then a dark figure appears. OMG.  I’m freaking out just thinking about it. PLEASE make it stop!!

27
Aug
08

the lonely and forgotten.

I’m scared of a lot of things. Some fears are pretty typical: rapists, murders, cancer, car accidents and family/friends dying (I know, I know, I’ve watched too many episodes of Law and Order SVU).  But I also have less “normal” fears – one of them is getting old. I’m not talking about turning 40, 50 or even 60. I’m not talking about getting old in the conventional sense. This has nothing to do with age, vanity, or mid-life crises. I’m talking about getting REALLY old. The kind of old where people stop noticing you. Stop paying attention to you. Where you are widowed, lonely, helpless. Incompetent. Obsolete. Alone.

I think about it constantly. Every time I see an old man or woman alone riding the bus, or buying groceries, I am reminded that this could someday be my fate and that it is the reality of so many people. It tugs at my heart and leaves me feeling worried. I ponder their bleak options. 1) Stay alone in their home which they can’t manage anymore. 2) Move in with one of their children where they constantly feel like a burden and disruption. 3) Move into a retirement home/assisted living facility where they are placated like a child and herded like a cow. None of these options sounds good.

I’m scared of being old and taken advantage of. Of feeling lost and confused. Of being lonely. And of losing my ability to care for myself. How do the elderly cope with this? I think it’s more than I could handle.

Sometimes I think about volunteering at a retirement or nursing home – but I always talk myself out of it. I’m afraid I’ll confirm my worst fear – that life plateaus and eventually starts going downhill.




a blog for anyone, but mostly for me.