I’m really down in the dumps over my dental appointment this morning. The first part of the appointment went ok. And when I say “ok”, I really mean that I wasn’t ready to end my life yet. The hygienist was cleaning my teeth, with limited commentary, and I was doing my best to just get through it.
Cut to 45 minutes later when the dentist comes in to do his examination.
Hygienist to Dentist: Everything looks pretty good, doctor. She may need a night guard because she’s having some discomfort in her lower left teeth (he really used a lot of garbally-dental speak here, but you get the point). She also has some kind of abrasion on her gum that’s a little inflamed (i.e. a canker sore).
Dentist begins examining my teeth/gums/etc. Dentist proceeds to rub his gloved fingers all over my canker sore…intentionally.
Me (in my head): OMG – OUCH. That freaking hurts. WTF?! You know I have a canker sore, why would you do that? I’m going to punch you in the face if you don’t stop soon.
Dentist to me: Well, I know we’ve talked about this before, but it’s really time we get you into an oral surgeon. (Pulls out the trusty patient mirror). These baby teeth are wreaking havoc on your bite and other teeth. You are going to need to replace these with implants. (i.e. pulling the baby teeth, inserting a steel rod into my gum, and then placing a fake tooth on the rod). Since you have 5 baby teeth (At $5k an implant. Yes, that’s $25k in implants…and I’m not even getting the breast variety!), we need to start working on this sooner than later – don’t worry, we can do them in phases. I’m also concerned because the shifting and sinking of these baby teeth are causing your other teeth to move a lot. All your bottom teeth are shifting to the right to compensate. I think we’ll need to put you in braces before we start the implant process to straighten everything out. (Awesome – because I didn’t get enough of the braces the first 5 years I had them). Your case is so unique; I’d really like to take you to my dental study group to get opinions from all the experts so that we can put together a comprehensive plan. (Unfortunately, this is not the first time my mouth has been used as a case study at dental meetings).
ME (in my head): I hate you.
Dentist: BUT, there is good news. No cavities. Gold start for you. Good job.
ME (in my head): Now I really hate you. That’s like saying, “I’m sorry; your house has burnt down to the ground. But the good news is that your garden is still intact.” I’d rather have a mouthful of cavities.
At this point I’m seriously considering pulling out all my teeth getting dentures instead. I think it would probably be cheaper.