Archive for the 'funny' Category

23
May
12

smarty pants.

I promise to post some recent photos of Jolie soon – but I had to share this one! She’s in her aunt’s glasses. It just cracks me up!

13
Oct
11

i’m THAT lamo.

I distinctly remember when the Fugees came out with the song “Killing me Softly”. I think it was the summer between 7th and 8th grade and I LOVED it (like play-it-on-repeat “loved it”).  Every time it came on the radio, every adult would say “oh, this version is not nearly as good as the original”. Unfailingly. And I’d roll my eyes and think, “You’re so lame. That version is so old school, you don’t know anything.”

Someone has made the unfortunate decision to remake the movie “Footloose”. I haven’t seen it, but based on the LAME movie trailer, I can pretty much guarantee that it pales in comparison to the original version. And there you have it. I’ve become one of THOSE people. Old.  It reminds me of the day I made a causal reference to the movie “Clueless” and my stepsister (who is only 8 or 9 years younger than me) looked at me with a complete blank stare. She’d never seen “Clueless”. Excuse me? Isn’t that a classic? That’s like saying you’ve never seen “The Sound of Music”. Just call me the lame, old lady.

On a completely unrelated note, I just realized that my last two posts have been about movie trailers. I think this is a sign I’m watching too much TV, or I need to buck up for DVR.

10
Oct
11

bloody mary.

I’m a pretty grounded person.  I don’t harbor a ton of childish or illogical fears (clowns, witches, vampires, monsters, etc). My fears center around life and how it will unfold. I’m scared of becoming old, helpless, lonely and irrelevant. I’m fearful that my loved ones will get sick. I’m nervous I won’t be a good mom. You get the gist.

That being said, I have a completely irrational fear of looking into mirrors in the dark. I know it’s ridiculous. To this day, I still avoid looking at a mirror when the lights are out. I attribute this fear to two events in my childhood. 1) My cousins used to try to “reach” their dead brother by locking themselves (and me) in the bathroom, turning off the lights and calling his name. 2) The kids in my elementary school were obsessed with Bloody Mary. The older kids would turn off the lights in the bathroom when the younger kids were in there and would start chanting “bloody mary” (3x of course). Ummmm….scary? I think so.

This irrational fear has recently resurfaced because there is a movie trailer on tv with two little girls saying “bloody mary” in the mirror, and then a dark figure appears. OMG.  I’m freaking out just thinking about it. PLEASE make it stop!!

25
May
11

guilty pleasure.

Tonight I made Mac & Cheese. Out of a box. With a side of sweet pickles.

For some reason it just makes me laugh.

18
Jan
11

business jargon.

I was laughing out loud at my desk today. Forbes published an article about annoying business jargon. I’ve been in the workforce for 7 years now and I can attest that this kind of jargon has permeated everyone. Including me!

Here is the Forbes list. Some of these I’ve never heard before, and some of these I hear 20 times a day in Corporate America.

Drill Down

A phrase often wielded by superiors wanting a subject examined more closely. “Drill down to what?” asks Shut Up and Say Something author Karen Friedman. “The oil?”

Low-Hanging Fruit

A professional in advertising who would like to remain anonymous tells us: “If I hear my boss say ‘low-hanging fruit’ one more time, I’m gonna lose it!” Her boss wields the cliché when describing everything from blogs his charges should read to customers they should call. “Sometimes,” confides our informant, “I dream of literal fruit, hanging low, especially after a staff meeting.” The phrase has become a catch-all for managerial types who are trying to say “do the easy things first.” Perhaps they should just say that.

Ducks In a Row

Do you have ducks? Even if you somehow do have ducks–and really, who has ducks?–what good does it do to get them in a row? Will ducks even assent to such an arrangement? The saying apparently comes from the earlier days of bowling before machines set pins automatically. One needed to get his ducks in a row before, invariably, hurling a weighty ball down the alley to blast the poor ducks into a pathetic, unorganized flock. Does that really describe a business plan? We don’t think so.

Let’s Talk That

For some troubled souls this phrase takes the place of “let’s discuss that,” or “let’s talk about that.” As with most jargon, the origin of this message is unknown and inexplicable. Sandi Straetker, an account executive with Priority Public Relations in Cincinnati, has been trying to help a relative move away from this phrase’s nasty clutches. “Every time he says it, I just want to shoot him with my grammar cop gun,” she says. Let’s talk that? Talk this.

Hard Stop

An executive with a “hard stop” at 3 p.m. is serious about stopping at 3 p.m. Very serious. And very important. Or at least that’s how it comes off, says Patricia Kilgore, president of Sterling Kilgore, a Chicago area public relations and marketing firm. “To me it sounds like ‘This meeting isn’t really that important, so I need a way to get out of it,'” Kilgore says. A heart attack is a hard stop, Kilgore adds; anything else is just a conflict.

Price Point

“Come on, seriously, why say ‘price point’?” begs Duncan Phillips, an account executive at The Hodges Partnership, a communications firm in Richmond, Va. Price point merely means price, of course. “So just say price,” implores Phillips.

Think Outside the Box

A horrible cliché. One commenter at Forbes.com says, “Forget the box, just think.” Novel idea.

Giving 110%

The mere notion is nonsensical. Not only that, but it’s also a favorite of meathead football coaches. Next!

Synergize

Say what? This word has infiltrated nearly every cube and conference room in the country. The fault here can largely be placed on one seminal advice author. In Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, the No. 6 habit is Synergize. Of the habit, Covey writes, “To put it simply, synergy means two heads are better than one.” Covey readers might recall getting the same advice in simpler terms several decades earlier from Sesame Street. Big Bird called it “cooperation.”

Move the Needle

This beauty is a favorite of venture capitalists. If something doesn’t move the needle, they don’t like it much. So when pitching VCs, ensure you make clear your intentions of moving the needle. Or you could always just say your product will be better than others.

Boil the Ocean

Global warming? No. Some wacky alchemy? Not quite. To boil the ocean, in fact, means to waste time. The thinking here, we suppose, is that boiling the ocean would take a long time. It would also take a long time to walk to Jupiter. But we don’t say that. Nor should we reference boiling oceans, even the Arctic, which is the smallest. It would be a waste of time

It is what it is.

No kidding. Thanks for the insight.

Learning (the Made-Up, Annoying Noun Version)

Like most educated people, Michael Travis, principal of Executive Search for Life Sciences, a headhunting firm, knows how to conjugate a verb. That’s why he cringes when his colleagues use the word “learning” as a noun. As in: “I had a critical learning from that project,” or “We documented the team’s learnings.” Whatever happened to simply saying: “I learned a lesson from that project?”

Full Service

If you don’t work at a gas station, why borrow the cliché? “If I hear one more professional describe their business as ‘full service,’ I’m going to scream,” says Deborah Shames, co-author of Own The Room: Business Presentations that Engage, Persuade and Get Results.“Does this mean your investment firm drops off dry cleaning and provides babysitters?”

Over The Wall

If you’re not wielding a grappling hook, avoid this meaningless expression. Katie Clark, an account executive at Allison & Partners, a San Francisco public relations firm, got a request from her boss to send a document “over the wall.” Did he want her to print out the document, make it into a paper airplane and send it whooshing across the office? Finally she asked for clarification. “It apparently means to send something to the client,” she says. “Absurd!” Agreed.

Impact

This wannabe verb came to prominence, says Bryan Garner, editor in chief of Black’s Law Dictionary, because most people don’t understand the difference between the words “affect” and “effect.” Rather than risk mixing them up, they say, “We will impact our competitor’s sales with this new product.” A tip: “Affect” is most commonly a verb, “effect” a noun. For instance: When you affect my thinking, you may have an effect on my actions.

Out Of Pocket

Many auto-reply e-mails now carry the phrase: “I’m ‘out of pocket’ until next week.” Mark Daly, an account manager at the Davies Murphy Group, a marketing firm, isn’t sure where the phrase started, but he’d like for its use to stop: “Expenses come out of pockets, quarterbacks come out of the pocket, but Johnny, well he’ll just be plain unavailable or out of the office.”

Take It To the Next Level

In theory this means to make something better. In practice, “the phrase means absolutely nothing,” says Laurent Duperval, who runs an eponymous consulting company in Quebec. “Nobody knows what the next level actually looks like, so how am I supposed to know when I’ve reached it?” (For ways of actually measuring what’s going on at your company, check out: “Nine Enlightening Business-Performance Metrics.”)

Solution

This word has come to mean everything from the traditional way to solve a mathematical proof to a suite of efficiency-enhancing software–and it is perhaps the epitome of lingual laziness. Says Glen Turpin, a communications consultant: “It usually refers to a collection of technologies too abstract or complex to describe in a way that anyone would care about if they were explained in plain English.”

Manage Expectations

This cliché sends up warning flares for Patrick Gray, president of Prevoyance Group, a strategy consulting firm in Charlotte, N.C. His translation: “You’re telling co-workers what we’re going to give the client will suck, but you have to convince the client it’s what they really wanted in the first place.” If you’re going to underperform, no need to sound like a pompous jerk about it.

Utilize:

“Use” will do.

Tee it up

Not without a caddy.

Circle back

We prefer straight lines, or just an appointment to talk again in the future.

Reach out

Do it and you’ll lose a digit.

Take it offline

So we are in the Matrix!

 

I was disappointed to see that a few of my personal favorites didn’t make the list.

Bob’s your uncle.

I don’t have the bandwidth.

We need a strawman.

Try this one on for size.

I have to get it blessed.

Run it up the flagpole.

Getting push-back.

In the weeds.

Drop the ball.

Hit the ground running.

20
Dec
10

executive bladder.

One of the things that I really appreciate about my job is that I’m involved in a lot of meetings. I know, I know. I know exactly what you’re thinking, but let me explain. The reason I like these meetings is because they are a really great learning opportunity for me. They allow me to express my own opinions, help me understand other smart people’s perspectives and learn effective ways of presenting and analyzing information.

However, there is one thing that I don’t like about meetings. I ALWAYS end up having to pee half way through the meeting. It’s inevitable. What’s weirder is that I seem to be the only one! I have literally been in a 3 hour meeting with 6 other people and nobody has to leave to use the restroom. Seriously? How is this possible? Today, I thought I was going to burst. I’m sure I did damage. As I was looking around the room (squirming because I had to pee so bad), it hit me. There must be a direct relationship between the size of one’s job and the size of one’s bladder. Me…being the youngest and the least experienced clearly means I haven’t built up the tolerance. I hope someday I can have an executive bladder. J Ha!

07
Nov
10

weird story.

This weekend we posted our barstools on craigslist. In our new place, we don’t have a need for them and they were just sitting around taking up space. We got several emails expressing interest but there was one in particular that caught our eye. It was from a girl and she gave a long winded story about when they (her and her bf) had been apartment hunting they had seen a set of barstools in an apartment and her bf fell in love with them. She explained how they’d been searching and searching, but couldn’t find the ones they’d seen anywhere. And he was not going to be happy until they found them. In the email, she expressed that our barstools looked pretty close.

This morning, her and her bf came over to pick up the barstools. We started chatting with them, and it turns out they are moving into OUR old apartment! I nearly fell out of my freakin’ barstool! It was OUR barstools they’d seen in the first place during an apartment viewing!  WEIRD. Needless to say, they bought them!




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