Archive for the 'funny' Category

23
May
12

smarty pants.

I promise to post some recent photos of Jolie soon – but I had to share this one! She’s in her aunt’s glasses. It just cracks me up!

13
Oct
11

i’m THAT lamo.

I distinctly remember when the Fugees came out with the song “Killing me Softly”. I think it was the summer between 7th and 8th grade and I LOVED it (like play-it-on-repeat “loved it”).  Every time it came on the radio, every adult would say “oh, this version is not nearly as good as the original”. Unfailingly. And I’d roll my eyes and think, “You’re so lame. That version is so old school, you don’t know anything.”

Someone has made the unfortunate decision to remake the movie “Footloose”. I haven’t seen it, but based on the LAME movie trailer, I can pretty much guarantee that it pales in comparison to the original version. And there you have it. I’ve become one of THOSE people. Old.  It reminds me of the day I made a causal reference to the movie “Clueless” and my stepsister (who is only 8 or 9 years younger than me) looked at me with a complete blank stare. She’d never seen “Clueless”. Excuse me? Isn’t that a classic? That’s like saying you’ve never seen “The Sound of Music”. Just call me the lame, old lady.

On a completely unrelated note, I just realized that my last two posts have been about movie trailers. I think this is a sign I’m watching too much TV, or I need to buck up for DVR.

10
Oct
11

bloody mary.

I’m a pretty grounded person.  I don’t harbor a ton of childish or illogical fears (clowns, witches, vampires, monsters, etc). My fears center around life and how it will unfold. I’m scared of becoming old, helpless, lonely and irrelevant. I’m fearful that my loved ones will get sick. I’m nervous I won’t be a good mom. You get the gist.

That being said, I have a completely irrational fear of looking into mirrors in the dark. I know it’s ridiculous. To this day, I still avoid looking at a mirror when the lights are out. I attribute this fear to two events in my childhood. 1) My cousins used to try to “reach” their dead brother by locking themselves (and me) in the bathroom, turning off the lights and calling his name. 2) The kids in my elementary school were obsessed with Bloody Mary. The older kids would turn off the lights in the bathroom when the younger kids were in there and would start chanting “bloody mary” (3x of course). Ummmm….scary? I think so.

This irrational fear has recently resurfaced because there is a movie trailer on tv with two little girls saying “bloody mary” in the mirror, and then a dark figure appears. OMG.  I’m freaking out just thinking about it. PLEASE make it stop!!

25
May
11

guilty pleasure.

Tonight I made Mac & Cheese. Out of a box. With a side of sweet pickles.

For some reason it just makes me laugh.

18
Jan
11

business jargon.

I was laughing out loud at my desk today. Forbes published an article about annoying business jargon. I’ve been in the workforce for 7 years now and I can attest that this kind of jargon has permeated everyone. Including me!

Here is the Forbes list. Some of these I’ve never heard before, and some of these I hear 20 times a day in Corporate America.

Drill Down

A phrase often wielded by superiors wanting a subject examined more closely. “Drill down to what?” asks Shut Up and Say Something author Karen Friedman. “The oil?”

Low-Hanging Fruit

A professional in advertising who would like to remain anonymous tells us: “If I hear my boss say ‘low-hanging fruit’ one more time, I’m gonna lose it!” Her boss wields the cliché when describing everything from blogs his charges should read to customers they should call. “Sometimes,” confides our informant, “I dream of literal fruit, hanging low, especially after a staff meeting.” The phrase has become a catch-all for managerial types who are trying to say “do the easy things first.” Perhaps they should just say that.

Ducks In a Row

Do you have ducks? Even if you somehow do have ducks–and really, who has ducks?–what good does it do to get them in a row? Will ducks even assent to such an arrangement? The saying apparently comes from the earlier days of bowling before machines set pins automatically. One needed to get his ducks in a row before, invariably, hurling a weighty ball down the alley to blast the poor ducks into a pathetic, unorganized flock. Does that really describe a business plan? We don’t think so.

Let’s Talk That

For some troubled souls this phrase takes the place of “let’s discuss that,” or “let’s talk about that.” As with most jargon, the origin of this message is unknown and inexplicable. Sandi Straetker, an account executive with Priority Public Relations in Cincinnati, has been trying to help a relative move away from this phrase’s nasty clutches. “Every time he says it, I just want to shoot him with my grammar cop gun,” she says. Let’s talk that? Talk this.

Hard Stop

An executive with a “hard stop” at 3 p.m. is serious about stopping at 3 p.m. Very serious. And very important. Or at least that’s how it comes off, says Patricia Kilgore, president of Sterling Kilgore, a Chicago area public relations and marketing firm. “To me it sounds like ‘This meeting isn’t really that important, so I need a way to get out of it,'” Kilgore says. A heart attack is a hard stop, Kilgore adds; anything else is just a conflict.

Price Point

“Come on, seriously, why say ‘price point’?” begs Duncan Phillips, an account executive at The Hodges Partnership, a communications firm in Richmond, Va. Price point merely means price, of course. “So just say price,” implores Phillips.

Think Outside the Box

A horrible cliché. One commenter at Forbes.com says, “Forget the box, just think.” Novel idea.

Giving 110%

The mere notion is nonsensical. Not only that, but it’s also a favorite of meathead football coaches. Next!

Synergize

Say what? This word has infiltrated nearly every cube and conference room in the country. The fault here can largely be placed on one seminal advice author. In Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, the No. 6 habit is Synergize. Of the habit, Covey writes, “To put it simply, synergy means two heads are better than one.” Covey readers might recall getting the same advice in simpler terms several decades earlier from Sesame Street. Big Bird called it “cooperation.”

Move the Needle

This beauty is a favorite of venture capitalists. If something doesn’t move the needle, they don’t like it much. So when pitching VCs, ensure you make clear your intentions of moving the needle. Or you could always just say your product will be better than others.

Boil the Ocean

Global warming? No. Some wacky alchemy? Not quite. To boil the ocean, in fact, means to waste time. The thinking here, we suppose, is that boiling the ocean would take a long time. It would also take a long time to walk to Jupiter. But we don’t say that. Nor should we reference boiling oceans, even the Arctic, which is the smallest. It would be a waste of time

It is what it is.

No kidding. Thanks for the insight.

Learning (the Made-Up, Annoying Noun Version)

Like most educated people, Michael Travis, principal of Executive Search for Life Sciences, a headhunting firm, knows how to conjugate a verb. That’s why he cringes when his colleagues use the word “learning” as a noun. As in: “I had a critical learning from that project,” or “We documented the team’s learnings.” Whatever happened to simply saying: “I learned a lesson from that project?”

Full Service

If you don’t work at a gas station, why borrow the cliché? “If I hear one more professional describe their business as ‘full service,’ I’m going to scream,” says Deborah Shames, co-author of Own The Room: Business Presentations that Engage, Persuade and Get Results.“Does this mean your investment firm drops off dry cleaning and provides babysitters?”

Over The Wall

If you’re not wielding a grappling hook, avoid this meaningless expression. Katie Clark, an account executive at Allison & Partners, a San Francisco public relations firm, got a request from her boss to send a document “over the wall.” Did he want her to print out the document, make it into a paper airplane and send it whooshing across the office? Finally she asked for clarification. “It apparently means to send something to the client,” she says. “Absurd!” Agreed.

Impact

This wannabe verb came to prominence, says Bryan Garner, editor in chief of Black’s Law Dictionary, because most people don’t understand the difference between the words “affect” and “effect.” Rather than risk mixing them up, they say, “We will impact our competitor’s sales with this new product.” A tip: “Affect” is most commonly a verb, “effect” a noun. For instance: When you affect my thinking, you may have an effect on my actions.

Out Of Pocket

Many auto-reply e-mails now carry the phrase: “I’m ‘out of pocket’ until next week.” Mark Daly, an account manager at the Davies Murphy Group, a marketing firm, isn’t sure where the phrase started, but he’d like for its use to stop: “Expenses come out of pockets, quarterbacks come out of the pocket, but Johnny, well he’ll just be plain unavailable or out of the office.”

Take It To the Next Level

In theory this means to make something better. In practice, “the phrase means absolutely nothing,” says Laurent Duperval, who runs an eponymous consulting company in Quebec. “Nobody knows what the next level actually looks like, so how am I supposed to know when I’ve reached it?” (For ways of actually measuring what’s going on at your company, check out: “Nine Enlightening Business-Performance Metrics.”)

Solution

This word has come to mean everything from the traditional way to solve a mathematical proof to a suite of efficiency-enhancing software–and it is perhaps the epitome of lingual laziness. Says Glen Turpin, a communications consultant: “It usually refers to a collection of technologies too abstract or complex to describe in a way that anyone would care about if they were explained in plain English.”

Manage Expectations

This cliché sends up warning flares for Patrick Gray, president of Prevoyance Group, a strategy consulting firm in Charlotte, N.C. His translation: “You’re telling co-workers what we’re going to give the client will suck, but you have to convince the client it’s what they really wanted in the first place.” If you’re going to underperform, no need to sound like a pompous jerk about it.

Utilize:

“Use” will do.

Tee it up

Not without a caddy.

Circle back

We prefer straight lines, or just an appointment to talk again in the future.

Reach out

Do it and you’ll lose a digit.

Take it offline

So we are in the Matrix!

 

I was disappointed to see that a few of my personal favorites didn’t make the list.

Bob’s your uncle.

I don’t have the bandwidth.

We need a strawman.

Try this one on for size.

I have to get it blessed.

Run it up the flagpole.

Getting push-back.

In the weeds.

Drop the ball.

Hit the ground running.

20
Dec
10

executive bladder.

One of the things that I really appreciate about my job is that I’m involved in a lot of meetings. I know, I know. I know exactly what you’re thinking, but let me explain. The reason I like these meetings is because they are a really great learning opportunity for me. They allow me to express my own opinions, help me understand other smart people’s perspectives and learn effective ways of presenting and analyzing information.

However, there is one thing that I don’t like about meetings. I ALWAYS end up having to pee half way through the meeting. It’s inevitable. What’s weirder is that I seem to be the only one! I have literally been in a 3 hour meeting with 6 other people and nobody has to leave to use the restroom. Seriously? How is this possible? Today, I thought I was going to burst. I’m sure I did damage. As I was looking around the room (squirming because I had to pee so bad), it hit me. There must be a direct relationship between the size of one’s job and the size of one’s bladder. Me…being the youngest and the least experienced clearly means I haven’t built up the tolerance. I hope someday I can have an executive bladder. J Ha!

07
Nov
10

weird story.

This weekend we posted our barstools on craigslist. In our new place, we don’t have a need for them and they were just sitting around taking up space. We got several emails expressing interest but there was one in particular that caught our eye. It was from a girl and she gave a long winded story about when they (her and her bf) had been apartment hunting they had seen a set of barstools in an apartment and her bf fell in love with them. She explained how they’d been searching and searching, but couldn’t find the ones they’d seen anywhere. And he was not going to be happy until they found them. In the email, she expressed that our barstools looked pretty close.

This morning, her and her bf came over to pick up the barstools. We started chatting with them, and it turns out they are moving into OUR old apartment! I nearly fell out of my freakin’ barstool! It was OUR barstools they’d seen in the first place during an apartment viewing!  WEIRD. Needless to say, they bought them!

09
Feb
10

modern family.

Per the recommendation of Stan and Shelby, I just watched ABC’s Modern Family. In fact, I just finished watching 5 episodes in a row. It was actually really funny! I laughed out loud several times. I like the characters. If you’re bored, you can watch it on abc.com.

30
Aug
09

sassy in scottsdale.

This weekend I attended a bachelorette party in Scottsdale, Arizona. We had so much fun! Friday night we dressed up in 80s gear and went roller-skating. Saturday we went to a fun dinner and then dancing. Congrats Erin P. We are SO happy for you; can’t wait for your big day in Fres-yes!

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20
Aug
09

FWD: random thoughts of the day.

I got a forward today at work – it was someone’s “random thoughts of the day”. Usually I ignore forwards, but I trust this particular forwarder.  I laughed out loud at least three times. And in my book, that’s worth reading. It’s a little long, but there are some jewels buried in there. (I have no idea who wrote these random thoughts– it wasn’t me). Enjoy!

  • I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
  • That’s enough, Nickelback.
  • I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  • The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
  • Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
  • There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  • Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
  • The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.
  • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
  • A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
  • More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  • Was learning cursive really necessary?
  • Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
  • My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.  Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
  • Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  • Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm….Goonies”
  • What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  • While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
  • MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died…
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
  • I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
  • Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
  • If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
  • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
  • There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  • I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  • I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  • When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
  • I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
  • Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
  • Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
  • I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
  • Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  • I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
29
Jul
09

Ingenuity at its best.

Talk about being resourceful; this cracks me up! According to citizenrain.com, these Tacoma guys created this mobile pool. And the best part is that they used pvc pipe and an air compressor to create jets.  HA! This reminds me of something my step-dad would do.

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17
May
09

you know you’re a grown-up when…

This is a game Derek and I were playing this weekend. Feel free to add your own.

You know you’re a grown-up when…

…you wake up on Monday morning and there is still booze in the house.

…you brag about your garden.

….the only opportunity you have to dance is at weddings.

…the event of the weekend is hosting a “bonfire”.

…you go to more bridal showers than keggers.

…the quality of liquor becomes more important than the quantity.

…your idea of a good vacation doesn’t involve your entire fraternity.

…you spend thousands of dollars a year dying your hair the RIGHT color.

…you find yourself relating to your parents.

…you meet a 30-year-old and don’t think “Dang, that guy is old.”

…you drink more coffee than booze.

…you share a bank account with someone other than your parents.

…a quiet night at home is not considered a punishment.

…you spend hundreds of dollars every year hosting dinner parties.

…when you’re awake at 6:00am and it isn’t because you’ve been up all night.

24
Mar
09

best flight attendant ever.

You may have already seen this, but it just cracks me up. I love this guy. I would be SO happy if I boarded my plane and he was my flight attendant. So creative!

FYI – you need your volume on for this video.

16
Mar
09

the devil went down to georgia

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a special treat tonight. It’s been five years since their last performance, but they are better than ever. It was well worth the wait. This dynamic duo has a special place in my heart because they performed at my 21st birthday and now they are back for Stan Brownlee’s 25th birthday. Put your hands together for Johnny W and the Fancy Fiddler!

A couple things you need to know before watching this video:

  • You need to turn your computer volume on for this.
  • They are a little rusty for the first minute, but by the end of the song they really ROCK IT OUT. Trust me, it’s worth it.
  • Yes, I am related to these two!!
22
Nov
08

scratch ticket.

D: Not to be gross, but you know what I like?

K: What?

D: The ghost turd.

K: Excuse me? The ghost turd?

D: You don’t know what a ghost turd is?

K: Nope. I didn’t have brothers growing up – girls don’t talk about poop very much.

D: The ghost turd is when you poop and the turd vanishes down the pipe before flushing. And then you wipe, and there’s nothing there. There’s no trace of poop anywhere, and you begin to wonder, “Am I crazy? Didn’t I just poop”? It’s a ghost turd!

K: <<Trying to hold in her laugh because she doesn’t want to admit she thinks this is hilarious.>>

D: It’s pretty cool. It’s kind of like winning a scratch ticket. It’s not THAT cool, but it’s still a rare treat!

04
Nov
08

a different kind of vote.

Per my previous post, my mom thinks I need to apologize to my landlord for busting into his home uninvited. What do you think? Cast your vote!

03
Nov
08

sake bombs and dots

It all started with a bottle of champagne and some funny China stories. We were all happy to be celebrating Friday, happy to be celebrating Halloween and all around just happy to be together and hanging out. After all, it had been more than 4 weeks since we’d all hung out; the 4 of us had a lot of catching up to do!

One bottle of champagne, one glass of wine, two flaming sake bombs, three martinis and two Sophia champagne cans later – we were lit up like Christmas trees. And the guys weren’t drinking. None of us were dressed up – and none of us had planned on dressing up. But when we got home from sushi, that’s not what S wanted to hear. As we walked up to my apartment, she couldn’t help but notice that my neighbor was having a Halloween party. The second we get in the apartment, S starts digging through my bins to find costumes for everyone. She is dead-set on going out in her witch costume (thrown together in about 2 minutes). Nonchalantly, I tell her that if she finds me 5 boxes of dots I’ll go to my neighbor’s party with her. Oh geez. The second the words are out of my mouth – I wish I could swallow them. I knew this was going to be bad. She quickly turns on her heel and marches out of the apartment. Less than 5 minutes later she storms back in and throws 6 boxes of dots at me. C’MON NOW – YOU PROMISED.

So, like any good friend, I squeeze into an old ladybug costume. And I mean squeeze! I looked like a woman clinging to her youth – stuffed into a costume that is only appropriate if you’re a size 0 and 15 years old. I looked ridiculous. I knew it at the time, but I was too drunk to care. We had a party to go to – and off we went.

You may be wondering, where did S get those dots? Well, she did what any drunk girl would do…she marched into the neighbor’s house…let herself in…found their candy bowl…got the dots…and ran out. You also may be wondering, Kindra, do you know your neighbors? Were you invited to this party? No, I was not invited. I have never been invited to any of his parties. I have never even been in his house. I also failed to tell you the most important detail – my neighbor is also my landlord. EEEEEKK!

We proceed to let ourselves into my landlord’s house. There aren’t very many people there- so two drunk girls are very noticeable (not to mention that we are the youngest people in the room…by far). We march around the house for a couple minutes like we own the place and then my landlord walks up to me and says, “uh…hey Kindra. This is a surprise.” NO CRAP. At this point things start to get very awkward. He’s obviously not drinking and we…well, we definitely are. In fact, he caught us at his bar. Oh geez!! How old are we?

I’m just going to pretend like this never happened. Ha!

29
Oct
08

a fun game

Here is a fun, interactive game. Together, let’s create a story or conversation only using song lyrics. See an example below. I’ll get us started. Leave your response as a comment – and build off the previous comment.

Example #1

I’ve got hoes. I’ve got hoes. In different area codes. (Ludacris)

8-6-7-5-3-0-9, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9 (Tommy Tutone)

Billy, Billy don’t you lose my number. Cause you’re not anywhere that I can’t find you. (Phil Collins)

Every move you make. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. (The Police)

I just can’t get you out of my head. (Kylie Minogue)

Ok, starting over. Here we go..

Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love- for love (Bon Jovi)

12
Oct
08

worst ever.

Last week I was traveling for work.  Tuesday night, we went out for a few drinks after our meetings. That night, I experienced the worst (and funniest) pick-up line ever. EVER.

SSBG = Short, Shiny Bald Guy

K= Me

SSBG: K, do you want to dance?

K: Oh, I think I’m ok. We are about to head out.

SSBG: Look K. I know you have a guy in every state. I just want to be your Alaska man.

Hehehe!!

15
Sep
08

Gotta love snl.

The resemblance between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey is uncanny! Gotta love SNL; too funny!




a blog for anyone, but mostly for me.